just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
