If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
