I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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