I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
