how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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