this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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