"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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