someone threw a dead crab at me
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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