I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
