she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
