you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
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He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
They took my balls.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
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Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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