Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
