he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
