remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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