it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
