Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
