I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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