she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
