My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize