My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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