Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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