I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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