I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
