i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
