I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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