I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
