I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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