Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
