Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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