She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
