i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
