he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
