for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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