My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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