Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
