i'm signing you up for texting rehab
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
