a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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