is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
