i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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