I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
