I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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