Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
