Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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