Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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