i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
