i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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