i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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