the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
