She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
