Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
