do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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