so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
