I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
