My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
