If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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